What's happening?
Someone spread a rumor. A group chat formed without her. A friend is suddenly freezing her out. And somewhere along the way, someone shrugs: "Girls are just like that."
That shrug is worth questioning, for her sake and for the girls around her.
What's behind it?
In 2008, researchers pooled 148 studies covering about 74,000 children and teens to answer a simple question: do girls really do more of the hidden kind of meanness, like gossip, rumors and leaving people out? The answer surprised a lot of people. Boys and girls did it at about the same rate. The gender gap was trivial. Boys did more of the physical kind, like hitting.
So where does the stereotype come from? Partly from us. In the studies where parents and teachers did the rating, girls were seen as more socially aggressive. In studies where researchers watched kids directly, the gap all but disappeared. We may be noticing it more in girls because we expect to.
Two more findings are worth knowing. This kind of meanness was linked to more sadness and lower self-esteem in the kids who did it. And, less expected, it was also linked to more kind and helpful behavior, on average. The study can't say why. What it does suggest is that a girl who excludes others isn't simply "a mean girl." She may be kind in other moments, and sometimes she's struggling herself.
What this might look like
Your daughter comes home hurt because a friend group started a new chat without her. Another adult calls it "typical girl drama." Your daughter hears that her pain is silly, and that this is just what girls are.
Something to try today
Skip the labels "drama" and "mean girl." Talk about the behavior instead: "Leaving someone out on purpose hurts, whoever does it." That works whether she's on the receiving end or, sometimes, the one doing it.
When to step in
If exclusion or rumors are repeated, organized, or happening online in ways she can't escape, it may be bullying. Get the facts from more than one person and involve the school.
One thing to remember
Social cruelty isn't a girl thing. It's a people thing, and naming the behavior instead of the gender is fairer to everyone.
The research behind this
Original sources and research limitations
Ages are a guide, not a deadline. These findings describe groups, not every individual child. The examples and suggestions are Neon Pink editorial ideas.
What the research found: Gender differences in indirect aggression (gossip, exclusion) are trivial; boys show more direct, physical aggression. Indirect aggression is linked to depression and low self-esteem, and, less expectedly, to more prosocial (kind, helpful) behavior.
Who was studied or consulted: 148 studies, about 74,000 children and adolescents, mostly school-based (Card, Stucky, Sawalani & Little, Child Development, 2008; abstract and excerpt) · lead author's comments on parent and teacher reports (University of Arizona; research brief).
What it doesn't tell us: How often it happens in any one school or friend group. The review is from 2008.
Also drawn on: SRCD press release · StopBullying.gov, Respond to Bullying. The group-chat example and wording are Neon Pink's.