Growing Up, Explained | Neon Pink for Moms

What's happening?

She and her best friend can talk for an hour about one thing. What the girl in the group chat meant. Why she left them on read. What might happen tomorrow. They go over it, and over it again. You hear the closeness in it, and that closeness is real.

But you may also notice something odd. She comes off the call more worried than when she started.

Most of us were raised to believe that talking about a problem with a friend always helps. Usually it does. Researchers have found one kind of talking, though, that can quietly work the other way.

What's behind it?

Psychologists have a name for it: co-rumination. It's two friends going over a problem again and again, imagining everything that could go wrong, and staying stuck on the bad feelings. Girls tend to do it more than boys. And here's the surprise: the kids who do it more tend to have closer friendships, and they also tend to feel a bit more anxious and down.

When researchers followed students over several months, girls who did it more grew closer to their friends and also became more anxious and down. A 2026 review that pooled dozens of long-term studies found the same direction for boys and girls alike: co-rumination predicted slightly more low mood later on. The effect is very small, but it showed up consistently. That's why a girl whose friendship looks wonderfully supportive can still be struggling in a way adults miss.

Keep it in proportion. This isn't a girls-only pattern. Girls simply tend to do more of it, so it shows up more often in their friendships. It's a habit worth noticing, not a diagnosis.

And talking itself isn't the problem. Sharing worries is generally good for kids. The difference is how they talk. When friends go round and round on what's wrong, mood can sink a little over time, though not for every girl and not every time. When they try to make sense of it and think it through, girls feel better and stay close.

What this might look like

After a long video call about whether a group chat left them out on purpose, she tells you, "We figured it out. Everyone hates us." She sounds close to her friend and miserable at the same time.

Something to try today

Don't tell her to stop talking to her friend. Help the talk move instead. After the next long call, try one forward question: "Did you two land anywhere?" or "What's one small thing either of you could do?" And now and then, ask what they laughed about. Friends sharing good news together is linked with feeling better, too.

When to step in

If changes in her mood, sleep, eating, schoolwork or friendships last a few weeks or more, the National Institute of Mental Health suggests starting with her pediatrician. If she ever talks about hurting herself, call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time. Press 2 for Spanish.

One thing to remember

Talking is good for her. Talking in circles, day after day, can wear her down.

The research behind this

Original sources and research limitations

Ages are a guide, not a deadline. These findings describe groups, not every individual child. The examples and suggestions are Neon Pink editorial ideas.

What the research found: Girls co-ruminate more than boys. Co-rumination is linked with both closer friendships and more anxiety and low mood. The link is real but small, and what matters most is whether friends dwell on a problem or work through it. Over time, co-rumination predicts slightly more depressive symptoms in both girls and boys; the link in the other direction, from low mood to more co-rumination, was also small.

Who was studied or consulted: 608 students in grades 3 to 9 (Rose, Child Development, 2002; abstract) · 813 students in grades 3 to 9 in Missouri, followed six months (Rose, Carlson & Waller, Developmental Psychology, 2007; full text) · 313 young people ages 9 to 17 (Bastin et al., Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 2018; abstract) · 66 studies, about 27,800 participants (Dong, Qi & Zhao, Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 2025; abstract) · 105 studies on sharing distress (Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 2024; abstract) · 46 long-term datasets, 18,222 adolescents (longitudinal meta-analysis, Journal of Affective Disorders 413, 2026; abstract).

What it doesn't tell us: Most of this research uses self-report questionnaires, and the effects are small, so it can't predict how any one girl will do. The 2007 study's sample was mostly white and Midwestern. The 2024 review found the harmful link mainly in Western studies. The "laughed about" suggestion rests on a single dissertation's cross-sectional finding.

Also drawn on: NIMH, Children and Mental Health: Is This Just a Stage? (2024) · SAMHSA, 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline · FCC, 988 fact sheet (Spanish option). The video-call example is Neon Pink's.

When talking it through keeps her stuck